|Now, towards the end of my staggering downward spiral.
||[Dec. 12th, 2014|01:49 am]
After I have lost friends, family, love, hope, honor and grace.
I would say it began on the farm, two years ago. After I had participated in a grand campaigne to save a group of refugees held by the chinese government. It was a desperate situation, and though it seemed like we lost many a time, in the end, we won.
On the farm. After the crusade in Santa Monica Community College. After studying days, months, years. After having transformed myself into a machine, nary a minute to waste. Eating while walking. Exercising. Working. Taking care of my grandmother. Beginning to garden. And perhaps it started then, perhaps I had been to strict with myself, and by extension, with others.
I had been accepted into UCI. Another step. With a stop in Bordeaux.
I spent too long there. Smothered in alcohol. Cynicism. Racism. Neglecting my duties. Neglecting my studies. And learned to let go, and let the tides carry me away.
But life continued.
It thrust me into the heart of things once more. At UCI. It placed me in the pit of fools. Frat boys. Blathering idiots. Feeble allies for the storms to come.
Regardless I sallied forth, riding to my doom.
22 units a quarter. 14 plus hours of exercise a week. With work. With those idiots keeping me up at night with their drunken baying. With sickness. In rain. In wind and cold.
With the death of my oldest friend.
It pains me to say it.
As I have his ashes with me. Right now.
I must spread them, at the behest of his family.
Then Billy Sun, a cursed name, decides to rob me. And forces me to sue him. To bring him to justice. And I do. And I proved my point.
Yet it was a drain.
Then my cousin dies. And I could do nothing for his family. Who had treated me with such kindness.
Then I'm knocked down by a mediocre fighter. Because I forced myself to run a mountain before the fight. Idiocy.
Then I nearly kill myself, and my friend due to my blistering ignorance. Though I brought us both out of those mountains. At what cost.
Succumbing to doubts. to fears. to insecurities about my capacity.
Because obviously there is reason to doubt. My intelligence.
I cannot give up. It is... not an option. Too much depends on me.
And. I can only depend on myself.
What do I want to be? Me? Since I chose life all those years ago?
Will I lay down my arms? Will I become a milk weak sop, to be fed by his parents until they die from work?
I will continue, despite. Wherever this life leads me. Wherever.